How to Give a Pill to a Cat (anonymous source)
1.
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as
if holding a baby. Position right finger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
3.
Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4.
Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5.
Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of
dresser. Call spouse.
6.
Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7.
Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figurines from hearth, and set to one side
for gluing later.
8.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil, and blow down drinking straw.
9.
Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm,
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10.
Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, leaving only the cat's head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11.
Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to chest, and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12.
Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13.
Tie cat's front
paws to rear paws with garden twine, and bind tightly to leg of dining table;
find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed; force cat's mouth open with small
wrench. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of filet steak. Hold head
vertically, and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14.
Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly
while the doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call a furniture shop to order new table.
15.
Arrange for the SPCA to pick up the cat, and call the local
pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Pill to a Dog
1.
Wrap it in bacon.